Te Whare Tapa Whā – International Men’s Day

Te Whare Tapa Whā is the well-known health and wellbeing model of Sir Mason Durie, health advocate and psychiatrist. I use it to frame this blog, which I was asked to write to help celebrate International Men’s Day on 19 November 2024. The model looks at one’s health based on a wharenui or house, with its four walls (sometimes referred to as pillars) needing to be equally strong to promote a home on good foundations. These dimensions or elements of the holistic philosophy of Sir Mason are: taha hinengaro – mental health and emotions; taha wairua – spiritual health, taha tinana – physical health, and taha whānau – whānau as the epicentre of one’s wellbeing. I will go through these elements to structure my thoughts for this special day – with the theme of the 2024 International Men’s day being “Positive male role models”.

I am the proud Dad of three boys: three teenagers. I have a lovely wife of 17 years marriage, and I am the manager of the Family Dispute Resolution Centre in Takapuna. The last role is why a colleague asked me to write this blog – as we work hard at work to help mediators help separated couples make parenting plans. As a former barrister, I keep a great respect for statute law and note the Act of Parliament which most closely governs my work (The Family Dispute Resolution Act 2013) seeks to give children a “reasonable opportunity” to be heard in decisions which affect them. The focus is on the welfare and best interests of the children – seeking this goal out of court, noting the Family Court is burdened with a torrent of cases dealing with care and contact.

My colleagues as Case Managers share this view (to work hard for that goal) and we have a great team of Child Inclusion Specialists who especially devote themselves to the task (using their expertise) of ascertaining the views of the children and reporting them back to the mediation.

But enough of work, now for my family. Every story needs balance, something which my job provides. Some aspects will be self-revelatory and I apologise in advance to my family!

Taha hinengaro – mental health and emotions

Just as the airplane safety videos say to affix one’s own oxygen mask first, having one’s own mental health and emotional health in good order means it is easier to have an outward expression of philia love – love for one’s brother and sister in the community. The holistic model of Sir Mason lends itself to intertwining of the four pillars. This is so for our whānau.

Faith is important in our home and is a rock in times of trouble, when mental and emotional turmoil might develop. Good humour has a role too, to make things cathartic.

My boys are brought up in an ecumenical home: Presbyterian Dad and Roman Catholic Mum. Once upon a time this would have been a big issue and caused inter-familial rifts. Needless to say the whānau worship at the local Catholic church! As Dad I try to instil a love of meetings in the boys (it is a Presbyterian trait) – who certainly know how to take minutes and establish a good agenda. Jokes, this is about as Presbyterian as I can stretch it. All of this is important as the lessons learned from such well-known Biblical passages as the Sermon on the Mount and the care for others, one’s neighbours – fending for the vulnerable, are important. This could very well be an overarching theme in our family.

How does my family encourage mental and emotional health? It is all about us adults investing time in the boys’ lives.

Well, not harping on the (frugal) Presbyterian theme (I am a proud Scot, clans Ross, MacGregor and Scott), our boys make their own cards for birthdays, Christmases and Father’s and Mother’s Days. As an example of spending time with the boys, invariably I get thanked profusely for taking time out to watch the boys’ sport. We go fishing to a secret estuarine spot where the snapper bite and we once caught a kingfish. Travelling home after sport means the boys get talkative and I learn so much more in the roughly 20 minute domestic taxi ride than at any other time in the day. Lending a listening ear as they dissect the game’s plays and explain the fun they just had is important. It helps create and maintain the father-son bond.

We eat together, laugh together (watching ‘Modern Family’ and ‘Brooklyn 99’ repeats) and commiserate with each other when the tribulations of life hit one or another of us, such is life. Stand beside and lift up, not in front dominating is the plan. Home is a safe harbour where the boys can refresh, before venturing out into the world, and the sometimes buffeting winds of life.

Taha wairua – spiritual health

As the forementioned may illustrate, our family’s collective faith and our family members’ individual spiritual health is important to us. Families can encourage spiritual health in different ways, while not being overtly religious. Both my wife and I come from families where religion is almost part of our family culture. A focus is on helping the vulnerable in the community. This motivation comes from a spiritual side.

Talking though problems and observing the demeanour of each of the boys helps as a yardstick to their spiritual health. To walk humbly is a good first step – my first job was cleaning toilets in the Auckland High Court Library, courtesy of a good word by my late father Colin Pidgeon QC (of whom I remain very proud). The layers of generations of good (not perfect) parents active in our lives means it is possible to replicate what I learned from my Dad (and to inject my own style) into how I parent. Lessons learned in my life through my own experience are also helpful.

We encourage thinking of others as a model of behaviour. As a lawyer it was instilled in me to do legal aid work (some would say too much of it!) and I did Family Law. I stopped doing a lot of Family Law because it was too stressful, at a time I was starting my own family and promptly took on Refugee Law work (which was from the frying pan into the proverbial fire). Learning about different cultures and the stressors of persecution in their countries of origin was a real eye-opener. I would recount some aspects of my work to the boys (anonymised and in broad terms), and it has helped my eldest become a whizz with geography and knowing countries’ flags, which helps immensely when he is called up to our pub quiz team in the school holidays.

Things have always been discussed at the dinner table and as the teens grew taciturn, we would play the question game to spark conversation. No-one could get down until they asked two good questions. It has been hard at times, but we persevere. There is a clear awareness of family bonds.

Taha tinana – physical health

Our middle son is about to go to Year 10 camp at the Sir Edmund Hillary Centre at the Central Plateau. We certainly encourage our boys to get out and about and get those endorphins working, along with experiencing the value of friendship, teamwork and camaraderie. Speaking of which, it was very pleasing to see examples on how to treat teenagers coming from the teachers and coaches of my boys’ sporting teams. We were very lucky in one team to have two former professional code players as coaches and the way they treated the “young men” was a model of respectful behaviour. This included ordering up-downs and repetitive fitness training. It is too bad the bane of our lives is when the boys head to their rooms and get on their devices…yes, our whānau is not immune!

In all seriousness, now I am thinking of seeing my grandchildren and getting off my chuff to drop weight and live. My change in circumstance from being a barrister came about after a health scare and the time has come to repair things in that regard. I know the value of a positive role model. My Dad (father to six kids) passed in 2020 and has missed some grand years with his grandsons…so much could they have learned from him.

We are very fortunate to have Grandad Kevin in our lives, an awesome man and role model, a widower – vale magistra Judy Cameron, whom my boys doted on. Teaching how to grieve while we as adults were grieving was a tough example to share.

Taha whānau – whānau as the epicentre of one’s wellbeing.

Will you marry me? Basically, a shared love of family was an early clincher to proposing to my Katie. I have learned that that love can be expressed in so many unique and individual ways – but common, solid traits persist. Supporting one’s family, giving time and being there, even as a real, fallen person – but as a role model for the young Pidgeon boys (including my Crusader and Pommy nephews). I cannot speak of being an example to daughters, but I have some great nieces, so I am to be a role model for them too.

Each boy of ours is so different and their “love languages” are different. Each interaction is an opportunity to express the aroha I have for them. It requires forethought, calmness and above all time. I am fortunate to have a great role model as a wife and mother to our boys and teamwork is a real boon to our sons’ lives. Our desire is to raise some great young men who will be able to go out into the world and make a difference in their communities. That starts with me taking the time to be a “positive male role model”.