The Role of Children’s Voices in Family Dispute Resolution

Child inclusion in FDR

It is a child’s (te tamaiti) legal right to have a say on matters that affect them,^[1] and for their views to be given due weight,^[2] but how to make sure that children are given an opportunity to be heard in a safe and child-inclusive way remains a complex challenge. This is of particular importance within Family Court proceedings and Family Dispute Resolution (FDR).

The ‘Voice of the Child’ (VOC) service, delivered by Child Specialists or Voice of the Child Practitioners, within FDR enables children to share their views and experiences about their care and contact arrangements without directly attending the mediation itself. This process minimises the child’s exposure to the parental conflict and adult discussions, whilst still being empowered to have a voice throughout the process.

Why should children be included?

While some parents and caregivers worry that involving their children will cause them harm and unnecessary stress, the reality is that children are involuntarily involved in the family dispute and the subsequent restructured family dynamic. Research shows that children are more likely to experience ongoing distress if their views and feelings are not considered,^[3] and that including children’s perspectives can:

1. reduce parental conflict,
2. lead to more sustainable parenting plans, and
3. improve both parenting capacity and parent-child relationships.

However, it is important that the way the child’s voice is captured and how their views are heard and understood by their parents is carefully managed, and that the child fully understands the purpose of their involvement. This includes ensuring no false promises are made to the child and that they are assured that it is not their job to make any decisions.

Hearing their child’s views and experiences can sometimes stir up strong emotions for parents, and the way that they respond to their child after receiving this feedback can have a significant impact on that child’s emotional wellbeing and their confidence in talking to a professional again in the future.

It is worth noting that the extent and timing of a child’s involvement in mediation is assessed on a case-by-case basis. Factors such as the child’s developmental stage, previous interactions with professionals, and their willingness to participate—of which they can withdraw consent for at any time—are all considered. It is also at the mediator’s discretion as to if and when a child is involved in the process, once dual consent is received by both parties.

Asking a child to choose

Many children feel empowered when sharing their thoughts and feelings with a trained Child Specialist. However, challenges arise when parents rely heavily on their children’s views to determine the care arrangements or to resolve the existing parental conflict. This can lead to situations where parents may coerce or pressure the child to align with one parent’s perspective. Additionally, how parents discuss the VOC process can make the child feel responsible for choosing between their parents or reporting a specific narrative to the Child Specialist.

When this occurs, the child is unfairly burdened with a sense of responsibility that they do not have the capacity to effectively manage, leading to feelings of torn loyalties and psychological distress. These dynamics can harm the parent-child relationship, worsen ‘resist and refuse’ behaviours, and cause the child significant psychological distress. Though Child Specialists are trained to capture a child’s authentic voice, heightened parental pressure can put undue additional stress on the child.

As a Child Specialist, I always make it clear to both the child and their parents that I will not ask the child to choose where they want to live or which parent they prefer. This reassurance often provides children with a visible sense of relief, helping them to express their true feelings without the fear of disappointing or pleasing one parent over the other. Despite this, some parents find this boundary frustrating, believing it undermines the purpose of involving their children in the mediation process. While parents understandably want their children to be comfortable with the care arrangements, there is a delicate balance between considering the child’s views and using their input to dictate the care arrangements or attempt to resolve the adult conflict.

Giving ‘due weight’ to a child’s views

For instance, sometimes children will say they want ‘equal time’ with both parents. However, this view can exacerbate existing tensions within the dispute if the child’s underlying motivations are not adequately explored. For some children, this view may stem from a desire for fairness or to please both parents, while for others, it may reflect a deeper struggle with the separation and the complexities of moving between two homes.

When this context is not adequately explored or understood, parents may fixate on (and argue about) ensuring an exact fair division of time, irrespective of whether this is practical for their schedules and availability or truly in the child’s best interests. This then raises the question – is this really what the child is asking for? Or is it more about the amount of quality time with each parent? Could it also be about reducing conflict and stress, making transitions smoother, or offering more consistent and predictable routines for the child?

Children frequently report that their biggest wish is for their parents to stop fighting and often describe wanting more quality time with each parent/caregiver. Their favourite experiences with either parent are often rather simple – playing Lego with one parent or going to the park or to the beach with the other. What children want and need, particularly during periods of change and instability, is your time and attention.

Utilising a Child Specialist to help parents understand these emotional drivers can assist in preventing misinterpretations of a child’s needs. If parents focus too much on rigid schedules and fight over the exact amount of time, they miss the bigger picture: what’s best for the child’s overall well-being. Being supported by the Child Specialist to understand how best to manage their separation and the co-parenting arrangements, will be more beneficial for the child’s adjustment than simply ensuring equal time between both parents. This is supported by research that consistently highlights that the way parents cooperate post-separation—and how they manage conflict—has a more significant impact on a child’s well-being than the divorce or separation itself.^[4]

The takeaway: a balanced approach

At the end of the day, it’s important for children to be given the opportunity to share their views with a trained professional, who can explore the broader implications of the family changes on the child’s well-being and best interests. It is equally important that while children’s views are given due weight, these are considered in context and with the child’s developmental age and stage in mind. Our trained Child Specialists play a vital role in ensuring that the way a child’s voice is captured and communicated to their parents is carefully managed to maintain the child’s well-being and best interests throughout the mediation process.

Ultimately, balancing children’s input with their emotional needs and the complexities of the dispute and restructured family dynamics is vital for achieving effective outcomes that truly benefit everyone – especially the child – in Family Dispute Resolution processes.